30 Lessons I've Learned in 30 Years
The day I’ve been half dreading has finally arrived. I am 30-years-old today. I still feel a bit mixed about that number, but it’s purely because it’s a scary age. In your 20s, you can get away with making excuses for your choices on being an insecure young adult. By 30, you’re supposed to have it all figured out. I know this isn’t necessarily true, however it is quite the mental block while transitioning to this new decade of my life.
But instead of cringing at the number, I want to embrace that I’m in the next chapter of my journey and that your 30s are like your 20s, except with a bit more money, experience, and stability. I’ve learned so many things in my 10950 days on this planet, and I want to share some of the lessons I’ve suffered. laughed, cried, thrived, and persevered through.
Seek external help for mental health issues. When I got sick with my autoimmune illness, it ignited the worst depression and anxiety I’d yet to see in my life. It took me over a year to seek out the proper help for these issues. A friend told me you can do all the self-care baths you want, but you need to get your mind right through therapy and potentially prescription assistance. After starting antidepressants and seeing a therapist, I radically improved and now know the importance of going outside yourself for assistance to get your mind right.
Own the stuff you like and don’t apologize for it. I spent too many years in my youth pretending to like or dislike things to try and fit in with different friend groups. But the later I got in my 20s, I started to realize that it’s okay to like what you like and enjoy yourself. There is no such thing as guilty pleasures. If you want to binge-watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, do it and don’t apologize for it.
It’s not essential to hold onto every person from your past. We often think that the friends we have in high school and college are endgame, but most likely they wont be. I tried to hold onto friendships for long past their expiry date, hoping and wishing I could convince them of staying connected to me. But not everyone is meant to be a part of your life in the long run, and that’s perfectly okay. Appreciate the time you had with them and then move on.
If something makes you unhappy, change your situation. Obviously this isn’t possible for everyone as it’s a very privileged path to take, but I don’t ever want to make myself suffer for longer than I need if I can readjust my life to get closer to what will bring me bliss. So I always encourage people to quit jobs that make them miserable or move somewhere new if they are bored with their location. It’s not always easy, but it’ll help your well-being in the long run.
30 isn’t old, it’s just the beginning. It’s taken me awhile to acknowledge this, but I finally understand that your 30s is when real life really starts to happen.
Never give up on your dreams, but feel free to alter them. You don’t have to become the thing you imagined at the age of 6, because we are constantly evolving. But the important thing is to not throw aside the things you want out of life. I’ve had so many dream jobs I’ve wanted to work towards during my 30 years, and most of the time, they are a dream at first, and then I start to see the reality of the situation and realize that it’s time to switch directions a bit, all while keeping the essence of my dreams alive.
Relationships take work, but hopefully work you love to do. Being in a partnership isn’t going to be perfect all the time, but that’s okay. If you really love someone, you try to work through the difficult times together and hopefully come out the other side still happy to be a part of their lives. My longterm partner and I have had our struggles just like any other couple, but I think the reason we’ve lasted is because we’re willing to work through the bad times to make sure we are always there for each other with compassion and grace.
A little vitamin supplements go a long way. As you get older, you’ll realize you sometimes need a little help to boost your immune system. There’s nothing wrong with taking some multivitamins (they can even be in gummy form because adults like candy too).
Listen to your body because it knows when something’s wrong. If you start to feel something is off, it probably is. I got an IUD and less than a year later is when I got an autoimmune disorder. I suspected this was the reason for my issues and finally had it removed and feel so much better. I’ve asked doctors about this and they all say there’s not enough research yet to prove the correlation, but I know for a fact that my body did not take kindly to it and clearly was the reason I ended up ill.
Don’t be afraid to treat yo’ self. It’s definitely the Taurus in me, but I am all about making sure I buy myself things that will bring me joy. There’s nothing wrong with shopping sprees or splurges if it can lift your mood. It’s called retail therapy for a reason.
Traveling will enrich your life like nothing else. It’s so cliche, but travel truly opens up the mind and senses. Having now been to 33 countries, I’ve been able to see how other cultures live, meet people from all around the world, eaten the best local food, and seen surreal sights. It’s important to get outside of your own bubble and experience something foreign and new.
Childhood trauma never really leaves you. This isn’t meant to be sad, but a new way of looking at life and how you approach things. When I was told I was too fat to dance at 12, it messed with me so much that almost two decades later, I still have a disconnect inside when it comes to getting back into dance. It was something I loved so much and was dissuaded from doing by people I trusted. The important thing is that I at least can target when the unfortunate moment was and try to grow from it, even if it’s taken me longer than I’d want to move on from the bad feelings.
Women can do ANYTHING. I am so lucky I got to grow up in a time when women empowerment has been embraced and encouraged. My goal is to never let myself be held back by the fact that I am a woman, and to help change the sexist institutions that still exist to try and hold us back.
Identity is complicated, but important to embrace at every stage. As a transracial adoptee, growing up with my white parents in a place with little diversity, it was hard for me to love myself as a black woman. It wasn’t until I was 24 that I learned to love myself and stop the self-hate that I masked through stand-up comedy. But I’m happy with the progress I made to learn that there’s no right way to be black.
Your passions never really leave you. Even though I took a break from performing theatre for awhile as I started adult life, I couldn’t get it out of my head. That’s why I got my Masters in acting (even though the pandemic ruined that). But even if I don’t do theatre every day, it will always be a part of me, and I can still call myself a performer even if I’m not constantly auditioning or in a show.
You don’t have to be on the front lines of protests to be an activist. I don’t think I’m one for large crowds that could potentially get dangerous, so I take my activist work online. I try to make sure I honor inclusivity and diversity through my work, even if it’s from my home, and that’s 100% okay.
Sexuality is fluid. I’d known since I was a teen that my attractions went past the heteronormative gaze, but it took years of unlearning toxic societal norms to understand myself. And even though I am in a loving “straight-appearing” relationship, I can proudly say I embrace my queerness.
There’s nothing wrong with being fat. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We were not put on this earth to appease the eyes of those who think plus-size people are ugly. Fat people are hot, sexy, and equal to everyone else. It may take time to own that about yourself, but when you do, it will open a whole new world for you.
Don’t let waiting for people hold you back. If I waited for travel partners out of fear of going solo, I would have missed out on so many spectacular trips. If I hadn’t moved to Los Angeles, New York City, or London because I had to be patient for someone to be ready to go, I would’ve stayed in Washington State my whole life. I’m glad I made the decisions to go before others were ready.
You don’t have to have a special occasion to buy a gift. If you see something that a loved one would like, buy it for them. Life is too short to not surprise someone you care about with a present.
Getting out of your comfort zone will bring you the best of life. They say to do something every day that scares you. You don’t have to go that extreme, but you’ll find that doing the terrifying and uncomfortable things will grant you passage to amazing opportunities you wouldn’t have if you held yourself back.
Family isn’t about sharing DNA. My parents are actually my grandparents, but they also adopted my birthmother, so we share not one drop of familial blood, yet we love each other with all our hearts. They took me in as a baby to care for and gave me an amazing life. Family is what you make it, and I’m glad they made me theirs.
Your partner should be your best friend. I can’t believe people think this shouldn’t be true. First off, you can have more than one best friend, which means other friends can still hold that top spot in your life, but you should also have such a great bond with your significant other that you love hanging out, being weird together, and actually enjoy being in each other’s presence.
You can be a good person without being religious. I left Christianity almost 10 years ago now, and all I know is that I make my moral choices based on inherently knowing the difference between right and wrong, not being I feel like I’m being held accountable by someone in the sky.
Introverts are actually kick-ass. Before you ask someone why they’re always so quiet or shy, maybe don’t. Introverts recharge our energy in different ways, so let us live and surprise you.
You can’t control who you fall in love with. I absolutely would never had thought I’d fall for my partner, but here we are. I romanticized a certain ideal of a person I thought I’d end up with, but fate had other plans. And I am so glad it did because I love my partner more than anything in the world and can’t imagine a different life. Don’t daydream too hard about what you think your soulmate is supposed to be because you’ll shut yourself off to an amazing person that will change your perception of what love can be.
Laughter is literally the best thing in the world. Isn’t it so fantastic to be able to see or hear something funny and be able to get your endorphins running to a point where you can exude joy? Laughter can lift you up and change your whole mood.
Internet friends are real friends. So many of the best friends I’ve made have been via the world wide web. Social media can definitely be toxic at times, but it’s also a beautiful way to make connections with people you share interests with.
There’s still a lot of work to be done to make the world a more inclusive place. Yes, I feel so blessed to be born in a time and a country where I have “equal” rights, but there’s much more that can be done to make sure future generations only get to enjoy even more love and acceptance. It’s important to do something every day to make the world better and fight bigotry.
The evolution of your humanity is a beautiful journey. I am not and will never again be the same person I was even yesterday. I am no longer the little kid who got chosen last for teams on the playground. I am not the 16-year-old girl pining over her high school crush who would never give me the time of day. I’m never again the college student who almost lost her virginity to a guy who said he’d always wanted to f*ck a black girl (thank God I didn’t follow through with that). I’m not the celebrity-obsessed autograph and selfie hunter I was when I first moved to London or New York. I’m not the anxiety and depressed-ridden mess I was when I got ill 3 years ago. I am a new woman every day and try to own all the things I learn about myself as I traverse through this weird and wild life. I have many flaws, many talents, so much learning to constantly do, and an intense ambition I’ll never let go of. I want to experience every new version of me that arrives into this world and figure out how to live within her.
